Hank to Padres: Gabor Bako can go straight to hell

According to a grown man named Buster, the much beloved Hank White era in Chicago is over.  Hank, shunned by the suddenly lefty-obsessed Jim Hendry has signed with the San Diego Padres for $750,000 for one year.  What, he couldn’t find a Major League team to sign with?

The Cubs are likely to sign the highly inferior Gabor Bako for $500,000 for a year.  Either that or they’ll just use Koyie Dolan Hill as the backup to Rookie of the Year Geovany Soto.  Neither of these seem like good ideas.

Sure, Koyie has a kickass middle name, but the guy cut his fucking fingers off last offseason.  His fingers!  He cut them right off and put them in a little plastic bag, took them to the hospital and had them sewn back on.  I mean, come on, that’s awesome in a manly way, but, oh, I don’t know, how about finding a catcher who’s never cut his fingers off?

As for Bako, the guy sucks ass.  He’s terrible, and frankly we hated him the first time around.  How much did we hate him?

Do you remember this?

I mean why?  Why?

Sure, most of the time your backup catcher isn’t a big deal.  Especially when your starter is as good as Soto is.  BUT…Soto’s got a bad left hand, and he’s fat, and catcher’s get hurt.  What happens if Soto falls face first into a tub of popcorn in April and misses a few months.  We’re going to have to put up with Bako?  Fuck that.

I’ll tell you what’s going to happen.  Jimbo’s going to get on the phone and call Kevin Towers and beg him to trade him Hank.  And by that time, equal value for Hank is going to be Carlos Zambrano, E-ramis and $40 million in cash.  (OK, maybe not the full $40 million.)

A Cubs writer wrote me this about Hank’s departure.

To me, they’re left-handed enough, and if it’s the backup catcher, what the fuck difference does it make anyway? I’ll miss Hank. A great guy.

Fuckin’ A.

Hank, we’ll miss you.  We hope you have fung in AA or whatever league the Padres have been relegated to.  You deserved better.