Hank doesn’t remember much of Fan Club meeting

Friday night at Kitty O’Shea’s in the lobby of the Chicago Hilton and Towers, the Hank White Fan Club had it’s annual meeting, and it was well attended, with nine of the club’s 18 million members in attendance.  The guest of honor, Henry Blanco is ecstatic about the attendance, though he remembers almost nothing of the meeting.

“I’m glad nine people showed up,” Blanco said.  “That’s great.  I love the support.  It makes me feel good.  I just wish I remember more of it.  If I hadn’t seen the photo (above) of me sleeping through the meeting, I’m not even sure I’d know I had been there.  To tell you the truth, I don’t even remember flying to Chicago.  It’s weird.”

Sharon Panozzo, the fan club’s new full-time spokeswoman, was unavailable for comment.  So we’ll do it for her.

Hank wasn’t really there.  But it would have been cool if he had been.  And Sharon’s probably too busy trying to buy reflective clothing to answer her cell phone.

Hank White not impressed with Gary Bennett

Cardinals’ backup catcher Gary Bennett may have won two of the three games in the Satanic Fowl’s recent sweep of the Cubs in St. Louis with walkoff hits, but Henry Blanco is less than impressed with Bennett.

“I’m less than impressed with Gary Bennett,” Blanco says.

You tell ‘em, Hank.

In other news, Blanco’s recent surge at the plate has his average at a career best .254, and his career average up to .221.  If he keeps this up, he’s going to lose the distinction of having the lowest batting average of any active player.

Gary Bennett’s career average is currently .243.  What a hack.

Hank changes numbers, pounds Pirates and guarantees a playoff spot

After struggling through the first half while wearing a number long cursed by Cubs’ backstops (number nine, of Berryhill-Servais-Hundley-Bako fame), Hank White changed his number to 24, smashed a couple of doubles, drove in two runs and coaxed Mark Prior through eight innings of two-hit ball in a 5-1 win over Pissburgh to get the Cubs back to .500. 

A guest of Len Kasper and Bob Brenly on the postgame show, Hank said “Oh most definitely” about nine times, but also guaranteed that the Cubs would make the playoffs.  They are currently 5.5 games behind the Braves in the wild card, and 12 behind St. Louis in the Central.

But if Hank says it, who are we to doubt?

Go crazy folks, go crazy!

Another day, another homer for our man Hank.  This time White drilled a three run shot off of Jason Johnson, putting a swing on the ball so sweet that the insulin pump that Johnson wears on his belt kicked into high gear at the mere sight.

Currently (it’s 7:26 p.m. CDT — Fifth inning, Cubs lead 6-3) Hank is singlehandedly holding off a cold front and a line of thunderstorms so that the Cubs will have a shot at a rare win, and can avoid a Wednesday doubleheader (nobody wants to spend an extra minute in the Land of Cleve.)

The home run makes Hank 11 for this last 18 (.611) with three homers.  When another round of All-Star votes are released this week, we fully expect Whitey to have vaulted hacks like Paul LoDuca and Mike Matheny into the NL lead.

Besides, we’re only about two days from Deadspin alleging that Hank’s name is one of the redacted ones in the Jason Grimsley HGH case. 

Hank, like all of us knows how you make a hormone.

Don’t pay her.

Hank White is sick of this shit

Tired of sitting and watching the Cubs sleepwalk through game after game, Henry Blanco has decided to do something about it.  In three starts this week, White is the only Cub providing any offense, with a pair of homers and six RBI in  those starts.  Hank is starting because Michael Barrett is experiencing empathy pains from Albert Pujols’ HGH induced sciatica.  Hank will get even more starts when Barrett finally serves his suspension for doing what every American has always wanted to do.  Punch AJ Pierzynski in the face.

The Cubs, catching speed in their aggressive pursuit of Pissburgh in the NL Central basement have spurred the normally laconic White into action.

He’s now just hoping to play well enough to get traded to a contender.  Or the Devil Rays, or the Royals.  Pretty much anybody but the Cubs.

Hank says he’s just pacing himself

Some players would be worried about opening the season with two hits in 21 at bats (.095), but Hank White is not one of them.  Besides, his HWEqBA is hovering around .400, so how bad can it be, really?

To his credit, Henry says he’s not at all concerned about his slow start.  “Once spring training ends, I’ll be fine.  I always get off to slow starts in April.”

Once reminded that spring training ended in March, Hank shrugged his shoulders and went back to sleep.  In the clubhouse.  During the game.

Blanco smacks sense into Rusch

Thanks to intrepid reader and Hank White Fan Club member Anne Mongiu for sending in this link: Cubs run off with series win at PNC Dusty gives all of the credit for the Cubs’ 7-3 win in the series finale to the one man who really deserves it. What was holding Rusch back was not being aggressive enough. Catcher Henry Blanco changed that. “Henry did what he’s supposed to do, which is hopefully get [Rusch] back on track and fix him,” Baker said. Blanco deferred all the credit to Rusch, who was 1-7 in his career against the Pirates before Sunday. “He was being aggressive, mixing his pitches,” Blanco said. “He spotted the ball and came in on guys and didn’t let them see one pitch. The most important thing was that he was ahead of every hitter.” “If anything, I was a little more aggressive in different counts,” Rusch said. “It was an all-around good game. I was happy with it.” Add Rusch to the list of Cubs’ pitchers who pitch better with Hank behind the plate than Michael Barrett. That list includes…every Cubs’ pitcher.

Baker announces Blanco to start on off day

Cubs’ manager Dusty Baker has announced that in response to Michael Barrett’s “rough” day in the Cubs’ 8-6 loss to Cincinnati yesterday, that Henry Blanco will start today’s off day.

“We’re going to let Michael rest today,” Dusty said.  “He needs a day off to clear his head.  So we’ll go with Whitey today and let him get his work in today when we don’t play anybody.  I’m sure Michael will be ready to go on Friday.”

A new year of Hank’s heroics begins today

It’s no coincidence that in the first year of it’s existence, the Hank White Fan Club carried our hero to his best offensive season.  The fan club didn’t even pick up speed until near midseason, and once it did, Henry Blanco was unstoppable.  After the break, Hank led the Cubs with a .318 average and dominated NL pitching with four homers and 19 driven in.  Only a late, and pathetic, ballot stuffing campaign by insecure Cardinals’ supporters (are there any other kind?) robbed Hank of the NL MVP award.

He’s sure to take care of business this year.  Though the season starts with one of Hank’s personal pitchers (Hank only starts in games pitched by guys he hand-selects–usually Carlos Zambrano and Mark Prior) on the DL, you can rest assured that it will not take long for Hank to join the fray.

Hank has graciously given up his hard earned opening day start to Michael Barrett.  Barrett’s not the most mentally tough guy, and Hank’s gesture probably saved Barrett from a month’s worth of bed wetting.

It’s that kind of thing that separates Hank from the run-of-the-mill big league player.

With Hank on their side, how can the 2006 Cubs lose?

Hank White, Venezuelan Hero

The biggest shame of the 2005 Cubs season was that their removal from the pennant race in July (probably more like April) meant that Cubs fans were robbed of a chance to see the great Henry Blanco in action when the games meant the most.

Last night, down South America way (as Gob Bluth is apt to say), the world was treated to Hank White at his most clutch.

Down 4-3 in the ninth inning of the decisive game of the Carribbean World Series, who should stroll to plate for the Venezuelan nine?

Our hero, Hank White. With his eyes full of sleep from a good three hour power nap in the home dugout at Jose Perez Colmenares in his home nation, he strolled to the plate with a chance to etch his name in the record book for eternity.

Hank didn’t hold in his hands one of those weird heated screwdriver things that my brother used to use to carve his name into…well, anything. No, Hank had 34 inches of fresh lumber. (By the way, I’m still kicking myself for not plunking down the $100 the Cubs wanted for a game-used Henry Blanco bat. Sure, the price is absurd, but you had to see it. He doesn’t just have his name etched in the bat, he has his headshot. It’s beyond hilarious. Anyway, where was I?)

Oh, yeah…Hank the hero.

You can see it right here. Look halfway down the page on the far left under Video. First you’ll see Venezuela wins, which shows Hank’s heroics, then click on Venezuela celebrates and you’ll be struck by how much cooler their celebration music is than anything Ford Field played for the Steelers.

Here’s MLB.com’s Jesse Sanchez’s account of the big game.

And here’s the high point.

Down, 4-3, in the ninth, Baltimore catcher Ramon Hernandez, named the Caribbean Series MVP, led off the bottom of the frame with a single and was immediately replaced by pinch-runner William Bergolla. The moved proved to be a wise one because Bergolla advanced to second on a sacrifice bunt and tied the game at 3 when he rambled home on Gonzalez’s single to right field.

He would not stay at first long.

Cubs catcher Henry Blanco followed with a high popup to shallow left field between Dominican shortstop Erick Aybar and left fielder Napoleon Calzado. Backpedaling and seemingly confused, the ball hit Aybar’s head and rolled away. Gonzalez sped around the bases to send Venezuela’s Caracas Baseball Club into the record books.

The cheers were thunderous.

Of course the cheers were thunderous. Hank White was on the case. The game was over the minute he, his mighty piece of ash and his tastefully appointed mullet dug into the box. There are three hitters you don’t want to face with a big game on the line.

1. Derek Jeter
2. Big Papi
3. Hank White

The great ones rise to the occasion. The even greater ones, like our man Hank, drag the occasion down to their level. That’s how you win your country a championship by banking a double off the shortstop’s head.

Jeter’s a great clutch player, but how many World Series has he ended with a ball off the button of the shortstop’s cap?

Papi’s a legend for his postseason heroics, but any hump can blast one oppo over the Green Monster if he tries hard enough.

What Hank White did last night in the 40 watt lighting at a stadium named, apparently, after Neifi Perez’s other brother (not Rubby, but Jose, the one who moved to Venezuela and opened a successful chain of Pontiac dealerships), wasn’t just difficult, it was legendary.

Viva Hank White!

Indeed.

Viva Hank White.