Hank to Padres: Gabor Bako can go straight to hell

According to a grown man named Buster, the much beloved Hank White era in Chicago is over.  Hank, shunned by the suddenly lefty-obsessed Jim Hendry has signed with the San Diego Padres for $750,000 for one year.  What, he couldn’t find a Major League team to sign with?

The Cubs are likely to sign the highly inferior Gabor Bako for $500,000 for a year.  Either that or they’ll just use Koyie Dolan Hill as the backup to Rookie of the Year Geovany Soto.  Neither of these seem like good ideas.

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Hero time!

Taste the happy, Alfonso.  Taste the happy!

Taste the happy, Alfonso. Taste the happy!

They call Tony LaRussa the genius and we all scoff, and today we were reminded why. After E-ramis singled to send the winning run, Derrek Lee, to third base with nobody out in the bottom of the 11th in a 2-2 game, LaRussa walked Kosuke Fukudome to get to…


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Hank’s not sure he wants to get into management

I hang out with enough douches most days.

While the Chicago Tribune is sure that our man Hank would make a great manager some day Hank’s not sure he wants to get into management.

“In the minors I worked at a Burger King for a few years.  You know, making some extra money when we weren’t on road trips.  It was kind of a fun job.  But we all thought our manager was a dick.  I remember one day during breakfast rush, he left his visor by the hash browns in the freezer, and we “accidentally” took it and threw it into the fryer.  Man, was he pissed.

“I guess I just never saw myself as a ‘suit.'”

Blanco has played under some of the best baseball managers in recent history.  Bobby Cox, Ron Gardenhire, Dusty Baker and now Lou Piniella.

“And Jerry Royster.  Don’t forget Jerry.”

How could we.

Hank says he’s learned something from all of them.

Cox: “Bobby’s a great guy.  He seems grumpier than he really is.  What I learned from him is that whenever you think the camera is on you in the dugout, and you don’t want it on you because the other team might use it to steal your signs…you start picking your nose.  Really dig in there.  They’ll stop showing you.  Or maybe that was one of the signs?”

Gardenhire: “Young players respond to ‘Gardy’ because he’s always got juice boxes in his office fridge.”

Baker: “Guys liked playing for Dusty because nothing was ever your fault.  Who doesn’t like that?”

Piniella: “Lou’s a lot like Bobby.  Only he doesn’t pick his nose as much.  He usually starts swearing when he thinks the camera is on him.  Good ones, too.  I’ve been around and Lou knows some good one.  I had no idea what a rim job was until I heard Lou yelling about one at a Fox camera guy.”

Will Hank rethink his managerial options when his career is over?

“Probably.  As long as I don’t have to wear wristbands and a chomp on a toothpick all game.  I mean, really, who’s gonna buy that act?”

Hank ready to tutor Geovany Soto

All inked up and rarin' to go

Spring training is only a couple of weeks old, and already, Cubs legend Henry Blanco is taking to his role as mentor for young catcher Geovany Soto.  The two are inseparable, and Hank appreciates Soto’s efforts to be a sponge.

Geo’s a nice kid.  He works hard.  He wants to learn.  So far I’ve impressed upon him the importance of hard work.  I’ve got him washing my car (a 1993 Honda Civic), doing my laundry (lots of Los Lonely Boys t-shirts) and actually, he’s learning to make a mean Cuban sandwich.

Hank’s car:
Ladies, that's a full back seat.

Blanco says that of all the young catcher’s he’s worked with (including Javy Lopez and Joe Mauer), Geovany’s a quick study.  Unlike the last guy Hank tried to take under his wing.

I don’t even want to talk about what happened a couple of years ago when I let Michael Barrett wash my old car (a 1984 Toyota Tercel hatchback.)  It’s too tough to relive that.

Nice job, Mikey.


Hank leads Cubs to title

Nobody does veteran leadership like our Hank, shown here trying to drown weasely Tribune CEO Dennis FitzSimons.

Hank made a rare appearance late in yesterday’s game in Florida and though the Cubs lost that one, just having the great one in his gear spurred them on to a division winning effort in Cincinnati.

Hank’s not sure if he’s going to make the postseason roster, but he is sure that he’s going to take a butter knife to Geovany Soto’s Achilles tendons tonight when the rookie passes out in the clubhouse.

Hank puts the squeeze on the Giants


In his first action since his triumphant return from the 60-day disabled list, Hank found himself in a big spot.  The Cubs had just scored a run in the 10th to take a 3-2 lead on the Giants and the Cubs had runners on first and third with only one out.

Pitcher Rusty Lisch (or whatever his name was) pitched carefully to the Hankster, falling behind 3-1.  On the 3-1 pitch, the runner at third Mike Fontenot broke for home as Jock Jones skipped down towards second.  Hank pulled off a perfect suicide squeeze giving the Cubs their fourth and final run of the night.

The Cubs celebrated by banging Hank on the head (not a good thing for a guy who spent three months on the DL with a bad neck) and shirtless hugs for everybody!

Today, the Cubs look down at the rest of the Central Division and laugh.  With Hank back in action, this pennant race is over.

Viva Hank!

Hank ready for rehab

Try the clubhouse, Lindsay, it's more comfy.After a couple of setbacks, the Cubs have announced that Hank White is now ready for a stint in rehab to get ready to rejoin the team as early as late next week.

Hank is excited about the chance to get back in the lineup, and even more excited about his first trip to rehab.

“My agent is trying to set it up so that I can room with Lindsay Lohan.  I like all of her movies.  Mean Girls was awesome, Freaky Friday is a favorite and the one where she gets high, and drunk and crashes her car into a stop sign was really good.  Actually I never saw that movie, just the footage from it that they showed on ‘Inside Edition.'”

Hank has been out since May with a bulging cervical disk, an injury that initially confused Hank and his wife.

“Any time you hurt your cervix you go to the OB/GYN, we know that.  They refused to even see me, which I was upset about.  But I went to a regular doctor and he said I needed to do some sit-ups, some plyometrics and eat lots of ice cream.  Sure enough, now I’m better.”