Hank to DL — disagrees with diagnosis

I hurt my back for this?The Cubs have placed Henry Blanco on the 15 day disabled list with a bad back, but Hank disagrees with the team on his diagnosis.

“They said I have a herniated cervical disk,” Hank said while enjoying a couple of Big Fat Tacos from Del Taco.  “But that can’t be right.  My back hurts.  There’s nothing wrong with my cervix.  I’m not even sure I have one.”

The Cubs recalled catcher Koyie Hill from their AAA team in Iowa.

Hank has some advice for Koyie.  “I like to help the rookies out as much as I can.  So I’ll just tell him this.  If I send him to Del Taco like I did Marmol today, he should not just assume that they put sauce in the bag.  You have to ask for it.

Kids these days.”


Cubs announce plan for Hank White statue

Wow, it seems so lifelike.The Chicago Cubs have announced long-awaited plans to honor a true baseball great.

Currently, the only statue outside of Wrigley Field is that of drunken, but beloved announcer Harry Caray.  Now, the franchise has plans to give Harry some company.

Fans coming to Wrigley Field to enjoy some sun, some beer and the thrill of the chase of fourth place long into the summer will have yet another worthy diversion before they even get through the turnstile.

President John McDonough (of the Cubs, not the United States) announced in a statement Tuesday that the Cubs will erect a statue of their greatest player in team history.

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Hank still waiting for check from MLB 2K7

The video game wars have never raged like they are right now, with Microsoft, Sony and Nintendo going toe to toe not only for the hottest game titles, but for console sales as well.2K Sports landed a coup when they won a bid for exclusive rights to Major League Baseball’s player and team licenses.  They pulled an even bigger one when they got baseball’s hottest star to sign on as the cover boy for the game.

2K Sports’ spokesman Frank Kush said that getting Henry Blanco’s endorsement means millions for the company.  “Most hard core gamers identify quite a bit with Hank White.  They’re sedentary, somewhat overweight, need a haircut and when they fall asleep on a chair in the clubhouse [clubhouse meaning–their parents’ basement] their fly is likely down, too.  [Probably because they’ve been jacking it to Battlestar Gallactica.]  Hank is one of the most popular athletes for hardcore gamers.  He’s on that list of the best of the best along with Keith Traylor, Robert Traylor and, of course, Jimmy Anderson.”

Blanco was unaware his photo was on the MLB 2K7 cover and said that he would probably place a phone call to his attorney to see what the deal was.  But first he had to catch the Cubs-Brewers game on Tuesday and then take several naps. 

Hank doesn’t remember much of Fan Club meeting

Friday night at Kitty O’Shea’s in the lobby of the Chicago Hilton and Towers, the Hank White Fan Club had it’s annual meeting, and it was well attended, with nine of the club’s 18 million members in attendance.  The guest of honor, Henry Blanco is ecstatic about the attendance, though he remembers almost nothing of the meeting.

“I’m glad nine people showed up,” Blanco said.  “That’s great.  I love the support.  It makes me feel good.  I just wish I remember more of it.  If I hadn’t seen the photo (above) of me sleeping through the meeting, I’m not even sure I’d know I had been there.  To tell you the truth, I don’t even remember flying to Chicago.  It’s weird.”

Sharon Panozzo, the fan club’s new full-time spokeswoman, was unavailable for comment.  So we’ll do it for her.

Hank wasn’t really there.  But it would have been cool if he had been.  And Sharon’s probably too busy trying to buy reflective clothing to answer her cell phone.

Hank White not impressed with Gary Bennett

Cardinals’ backup catcher Gary Bennett may have won two of the three games in the Satanic Fowl’s recent sweep of the Cubs in St. Louis with walkoff hits, but Henry Blanco is less than impressed with Bennett.

“I’m less than impressed with Gary Bennett,” Blanco says.

You tell ’em, Hank.

In other news, Blanco’s recent surge at the plate has his average at a career best .254, and his career average up to .221.  If he keeps this up, he’s going to lose the distinction of having the lowest batting average of any active player.

Gary Bennett’s career average is currently .243.  What a hack.

Hank changes numbers, pounds Pirates and guarantees a playoff spot

After struggling through the first half while wearing a number long cursed by Cubs’ backstops (number nine, of Berryhill-Servais-Hundley-Bako fame), Hank White changed his number to 24, smashed a couple of doubles, drove in two runs and coaxed Mark Prior through eight innings of two-hit ball in a 5-1 win over Pissburgh to get the Cubs back to .500. 

A guest of Len Kasper and Bob Brenly on the postgame show, Hank said “Oh most definitely” about nine times, but also guaranteed that the Cubs would make the playoffs.  They are currently 5.5 games behind the Braves in the wild card, and 12 behind St. Louis in the Central.

But if Hank says it, who are we to doubt?

Go crazy folks, go crazy!

Another day, another homer for our man Hank.  This time White drilled a three run shot off of Jason Johnson, putting a swing on the ball so sweet that the insulin pump that Johnson wears on his belt kicked into high gear at the mere sight.

Currently (it’s 7:26 p.m. CDT — Fifth inning, Cubs lead 6-3) Hank is singlehandedly holding off a cold front and a line of thunderstorms so that the Cubs will have a shot at a rare win, and can avoid a Wednesday doubleheader (nobody wants to spend an extra minute in the Land of Cleve.)

The home run makes Hank 11 for this last 18 (.611) with three homers.  When another round of All-Star votes are released this week, we fully expect Whitey to have vaulted hacks like Paul LoDuca and Mike Matheny into the NL lead.

Besides, we’re only about two days from Deadspin alleging that Hank’s name is one of the redacted ones in the Jason Grimsley HGH case. 

Hank, like all of us knows how you make a hormone.

Don’t pay her.